and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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