Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
