the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
