It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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