i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
