Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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