Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
