dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
