This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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