Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
