We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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