I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
