I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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