Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
