I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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