Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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