I have demons in me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
