Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
pray to the hookup gods
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
