Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
