I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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