are you still at the devil's house?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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