he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
