Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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