are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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