Umm I'm too high to move.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
