we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
