She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
