After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
