I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
