Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize