Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
