mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
