just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
