I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
