How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
