remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just found puke in my bra..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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