I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize