TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize