The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just found a bag of teeth...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
