ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
