My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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