Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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