you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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