Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
