I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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