I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
People in love make me want to vomit
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
