If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
