So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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