I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
