She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
