Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
