I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
