Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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