I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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