I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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