Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
