When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
