in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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