mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
