life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
