I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
